


I dreamt a dream of something strange

by No_stop_you_dont_understand



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Original Work, Studio C (TV), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: GUYS, I Don't Even Know, I need good FRIENDSHIP Dan and Phil shit, I'm Sorry, Just shitposting tbh, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, This is kind of my dream journal?, What Have I Done, Why Did I Write This?, Wierd stuff happens, You motherfuckers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-04
Updated: 2017-05-23
Packaged: 2018-09-01 00:33:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 2,784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8600080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/No_stop_you_dont_understand/pseuds/No_stop_you_dont_understand
Summary: This is my dream journal (sort of)Weird shiz happensI'm sorryNothing even makes senseI was going to make these into one shots with the different characters, but idk man it's just too weird.UPDATE:this is basically just shitposting at this point





	1. Mayonaise and the French Revolution

**Author's Note:**

> This is gonna be pretty weird...
> 
> Pls don't judge too harshly, I tried to keep these as close to my actual dreams as possible, and I don't dream with proper grammar or time period accurate stuff.
> 
> UPDATE:  
> Hah lol no this is just a shitpoist now

"How are thee on this fine morning?" James asked Matt, both of them dressed like they had stolen the French Revolution's wardrobe.

"Ah, I am doing quite well. And how are thee?" Matt replied, sitting down at the rough wooden table James had been waiting at. They had both agreed to meet at the Pub to get some guy time in before thanksgiving.

"Good, very good. But I did feel last Eve's meeting a bit lacking without you in it? Might I ask what had you indisposed at such a time?" James replied.

"Yes, you might. I was assisting the missus with her cooking. She wanted to try out a new mayonnaise recipe before the Thanksgiving feast she's hosting on Thursday night." Matt responded tersely, not fond of what James was implying.

"Thursday night? But I thought it was Thursday day." James was quite confused.

"You'd do well to read your invitation better. Yes it is Thursday night. And don't you say you didn't receive an invitation, I made sure to personally hand deliver it to your wife." Matt was rather miffed with James at this point.

"Well, pardon me for not reading carefully, it is hard to do when one's wife is breathing down one's neck," James bit back, looking away haughtily, "she's working on her mayonnaise recipe as well, you know. Finely diced spongebob, and all that."

"Ridiculous. Everyone knows that spongebob is best puréed for a decent mayonnaise." Matt scoffed.

"Hah, as if! You clearly don't know your mayonnaise recipes very well." James said, standing up.

"Well, I'd never! I'm leaving! Good day to you, Sir Ladybug!" Matt shoved up from the table, and stormed off.

"And to you as well, Lord Drosilmeyer!" James called bitterly at Matt's retreating form.

•°•°•°•°•

I sat up from the odd dream, confused and still bleary.

_Why did they make their mayonnaise out of spongebob?_

I thought, baffled by the concept.

_ Very carefully, of course. And spongebob is yellow, duh. _

My mind responded, quickly, as if it was obvious.

_Ah, yes. That makes sense. Yellow mayonnaise. Just like always._

I thought, slowly falling back asleep.

Because all was right in the world.

I had puzzled this one out, and now I knew the truth.

Obviously.

Clearly yellow mayonnaise is normal.

 


	2. A/N

A/N  
Hey, guys!  
Pls say if you are interested in dreams from different fandom's, bcuz I have a hell of a lot of weird dreams!  
Thx!!!


	3. Jer-bear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert x Jeremy, I guess...
> 
> Don't read to much into this.  
> I am NOT doing drugs.  
> ...that I know of...

Jeremy Renner walked down the street of the quiet little neighborhood, as Jeremy Renners often do, and thought to himself about the odd proceedings of his day.

_____

He had been eating at his favorite Denny's, when Robert Downey Jr had called him up about a situation.

An odd situation.

An old woman had lost her grandchild, and was worried sick, and coincidentally, a little boy was terrorising people across town by riding his trycicle over people's toes.

Now, obviously, Jeremy and Tony-no, sorry,  _Robert_ -were the best men for the job.

What job, a fan fiction author asks herself for some reason while dreaming this?

Why, the job of making sure the old lady knew where her grandson was, and helping a dastardly little boy scar the good citizens of this town for life, of course!

Jeremy jumped up from his seat in the diner, and was somehow suddenly wearing a pink version of his Hawkeye costume.

He bolted out of there, and met Robert at their secret hideout location.

As he approached the appropriately romantic picnic, he saw Robert looking over a leapster-esque tablet thoughtfully.

Robert stood when he heard Jeremy's footsteps, his sexy red sequined prom dress flowing elegantly in the random inexplicable breeze.

"Oh, Jer-bear! I'm glad you're here! We simply must help that poor child accomplish his task of mortifying adults everywhere!" Robert said, draping an arm across his forehead dramatically.

"And the old lady, right." Jeremy said, stone faced.

"Yes, yes. Of course, anything for you, Jer-bear." Robert simpered, batting his eyelashes and clasping his hands.

"Good to know, Tony-toes." Jeremy looked at Robert with the loving eyes of a serial killer.

Robert then called up Jarvis, asking him to quickly deploy the briskles.

Jeremy didn't know what briskles were, but he knew that he had to get out of there before Robert got any weirder.

"This was fun, but I gotta run! Bye Starkyboi!" He said, booking it out of there as fast as super-humanly possible.

Then he realised that he had just rhymed, and paused misstep, almost tripping over a garden gnome. 

He then proceeded to do 50 jumping jacks while singing cotton eyed Joe.

Phew! That was a close one!

Jeremy was now free to explore the suburban neighborhood he had stopped in, without the flying spaghetti monster chasing after him.

____

As Jer-bear thought upon this strange day, he did not notice the brunette spying on him through the bushes a few feet away.

She whispered the steps to an obscure waltz as she discreetly took picture after picture on her gen two iPod.

A certain redheaded fanfic author suddenly popped up next to her out of nowhere.

"Whatchya doing, Shishi?" She yelled loudly in the brunette's ear.

The brunette girl, apparently Shishi, jumped, and dropped the iPod.

"Shhhh! I'm spying on Jeremy Renner!" She glared at the redhead.

Jeremy then proceeded to jumscare the shiz out of them both, his face slowly morphing into a very angry duck.

•°•°•°•

I shot out of bed sweating profusely, and breathing heavily.

As I slowly remembered my dream, many thoughts ran through my head.

_What?_

_What the absolute frickity frack tick tack did I just dream?_

I ran a hand through my hair, grimacing at how sweaty it was.

_Oh._

_My._

_Huckleberry Pie and his dog, Biscuit._

I thought, remembering exactly  **who** was in my dream.

_Robert Downy Jr is a freak!_

_No-wait, scratch that._

**_I'm the_ ** _**freak.**_

_Who the fun-time-Tim **n** dreams stuff like that?!?!?!_

_I must be on some serious drugs._

I laughed quietly to myself, now hysterical in my confusion.

_No I do **not** want what she's having, thank you kindly._

I rubbed my face tiredly.

_**Man I gotta write this down.** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wtf


	4. Madam Goyle: part one

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So polyjuice is weird.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I split this one into two chapters because it was a recurring dream where more happened each time I had it.
> 
> So it's kinda long...

"Hermione, are you sure this is going to work?" Ron asked, eyeing the potion Professor Moody was currently leering over.

"Of course it'll work, boy! I'm a master at polyjuice!" Professor Moody said sharply, looking up from his aggressive stirring to glare at Ron with his Mad eye.

Hermione gave Professor Moody a hard look before turning to Ron, her gaze softening.

"We have to try, Ron. It's our best chance of knowing what exactly is going on with the death eaters." She said, gathering the hair for her potion.

Ron was going to pretend to be Goyle, and Hermione was going to be some nameless blonde Slytherin girl with round glasses and tight pigtails.

Professor Moody finished the potion, and with a sneer at Ron, gave them the bottles containing the appearance altering sludge.

Alistair Moody then apparated back to the safehouse, leaving Ron and Hermione to complete their task alone.

Hermione grimaced, and took a swig. Her face slowly grew rounder, her nose stubbier, and her eyes beadier. Her hair faded quickly to a sickly blonde, and a patch of grey-brown freckles appeared on her cheeks. She put a pair of large, round, tortoiseshell lenses on, and glanced up at Ron.

When she noticed he hadn't drank his potion yet, Hermione elbowed Ron.  _Hard._

He raised his hands up in front of him as if to say, 'okay, okay, I'll drink it. Sheesh.'

Hermione crossed her arms and gave Ron a stern look.

He made a big show of holding his nose, and tipped the potion back like a shot of hard liquor. Disgusting, brown, thick as molasses liquor.

He shuddered hard and shut his eyes tight as his skin rippled with magic. His hair melted from a vibrant red to a dingy dirty blond. His face grew wider, his jaw stronger, and his brows heavier. His shoulders grey broader and more heavyset, and his overall build became more bulky and muscular.

 

Once Ron and Hermione had changed both their appearances and clothing, they carefully grasped a small wooden rabbit portkey, and teleported to the Malfoy Manor.

__

Ron/Goyle knocked on the door, and was greeted warmly by Draco Malfoy himself.

As they were led inside, the two disguised Gryffindors exchanged nervous glances.

Draco led them to a large den, and left them to their own devices.

Ron/Goyle looked around nervously, and when his eyes landed on Hermione, they widened exponentially. 

"Ninny!" He said to get her attention.

"Don't call me that, Ron." She whisper-yelled back.

"Sorry, its just- your hair! It's turning brown!"

"Oh! Thanks for warning me!" 

Hermione reached into her bag, and pulled out a bottle with polyjuice potion in it.

Not noticing the spidery scrawl of ink written on the label, she took a swig.

It was only after Ron/Goyle's eyes grew so wide that they looked like they were in danger of falling out, that Hermione inspected the bottle closely.

The thin black ink spelled out one name.

_Goyle._

_______

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Hermione...


	5. Madam Goyle Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hermione wants to slap a bish.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm late! I'm late! For a very important update!

**Previously on Madam Goyle:**

_The thin black ink spelled out one name._

_Goyle._

________

Hermione gasped as she realized the implications of what she had just done.

She reached into her bag again, and this time she pulled out a cracked hand mirror.

Her reflection showed a shocked Goyle with long dingy blond pigtails, tortoiseshell glasses,  _and what the hell! Goyle has tits?!?!?!?!_

Hermione, or Madam Goyle, dropped the mirror in shock and horror.

She slowly raised her gaze to meet Ron's, and then promptly faced palmed. 

The polyjuice potion had fully worn off of Ron, leaving him as a disgruntled ginger in oversized robes.

Hermione worldlessly pulled the other bottle of polyjuice out of her bag, and tossed it carelessly at Ron.

"Hermione!" He whisper yelled, "I am  _not_ going to be a girl!"

"Yes you are! We don't have any other choice, and Malfoy will be back any second!" She replied bitterly.

Ron glared at her, and reluctantly drank the potion.

Hermione watched as he turned into the girl she was supposed to be, and handed him the glasses.

A tall thin brunette ran into the room just as they finished putting everything away.

"Goyle, baby!" She cried out before getting a good look at the fellow in question.

She did a double take when she did look.

"Goyle?" She said, her voice shakey and eyes watering, "h-how long have you been hiding this? How long have you been a girl?" 

"Uh... I dunno? For a while, I guess?" Hermione replied, sending Ron a pleading look.

"I can't believe you'd do this after all we've been through together!" The girl said as she stormed out of the den.

"I'm telling Draco! Then you'll be sorry!" She called over her shoulder.

Ron and Hermione exchanged panicked looks as Draco Malfoy walked into the den.

"What's this about Goyle having tits-oh?" He said, catching sight of Hermione.

"How the hell did you manage this, Goyle?" Draco said, sounding suspicious.

"I dunno." Hermione said again.

"That's exactly what she said when I asked her!" The brunette whined at Draco.

He narrowed his eyes, and turned to look at Ron and Hermione as he spoke.

"This room is going on lockdown until I get whatever the Frick this is figured out." He said coldly.

_____

The brunette came into the room just as the potions finished wearing off of Ron and Hermione.

"I know you!" She gasped, "You're those two Gryffindors who where helping Harry Potter!"

"Look, please don't tell Malfoy it's us, and we'll do whatever you want!" Hermione pleaded.

"Oh, no! I'd never tell! I actually want to help you escape! Well, as long as you let me come with." She said energetically.

"Um..? OK, I guess you can come with?" Ron said, looking at Hermione questioningly.

"Great! OK, so do you have the disappearing stone?" The girl asked.

"Yes, but I fail to see how it will help. It only makes glass disappear." Hermione said curtly, handing the girl the stone in question.

"That's the point! C'mon, follow me!" She said, leading them to a huge window.

"We're on the third floor!" Hermione cried as the girl touched the stone to the glass.

"I know. That's why we're gonna use mine and Draco's brooms!" She said, smugly calling the two brooms up to the window with a flourish of her wand.

Ron shrugged and climbed onto Draco's broom, and the girl climbed onto hers.

"Well, what about me?" Hermione said, folding her arms.

"Don't be daft, Hermione. You're on Malfoy's broom with me. Besides, you couldn't pilot it even if we had one for you." Ron said, patting the broom behind him.

Hermione got on the broom, but not before giving Ron a hard slap in the face. 

"Bloody hell, Hermione! What was that for?!" Ron cried out.

"That was for being an a-" 

"Look, I enjoy watching you two bicker like an old married couple as much as the next guy, but we have to get going if we're ever gonna leave." The brunette interrupted.

____

Draco watched as the blood traitor, the mudblood, and Goyle's girlfriend flew off into the night, and he put the last potato into his ear.

Mmmm. Ear potatoes tasted wonderful when paired with the bitterness of betrayal.

°•°•°•°•°

I sat up slowly, wondering what I even did to deserve this.

_Awww man! This dream was almost pretty cool, too! But then ear potato Malfoy had to go and ruin it._

I got up to get a drink of water as I thought about the dream.

_Well, I guess this one might be good enough to put in the dream journal._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So when I woke up from this one, I was sure for all of four seconds that I had been reading some bizzare Harry Potter fanfiction, and then I realized.


	6. No

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No

I hate mangoes.

 

I hate them with my very soul.

  
Mangoes belong in hell.

  
Why _aren't_ mangoes already in hell?

  
Unless this is hell.....

  
Oh well.

  
Screw that parent fricking fruit!

  
So gross and sweet.

  
Something I shouldn't have to eat.

  
I was triggered by a mango.

  
It was in a place where no man should go.

  
They mentioned the devil orb.

  
As the spices it did obsorb.

  
I tasted the fruit of death.

  
Twas not worth it,

  
Now I'm high on meth.  
(Lol not really)

  
I choked and I did die.

  
And now am baked into a mango pie.

  
Where the sinners doth rot and fry.

And the demon children doth surely cry.

For when I sampled the mango's flesh.

I knew I would never be the same.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> May the fourth be with you
> 
> Happy early cinco de mayo

in my hot pink limousine and  
bitch you're getting lost in my eyes

Woop wop I'm not gay  
Wiip woodle I'm not straight  
Flip fuck I'm a poodle  
Wait no scratch that I'm pansexual

Yayyyyy

The frying pan closet was so dark an nu im frey  
There was a skillet in thar under he was mayn  
He called may meayn nayms 

Look at all the beautiful people out ther  
Oh no ur all hawt

Tears  
The cry  
So many

Gotta be at least four

Thank for read

 

Also I'm nonbianary  
Ye  
My autocorrect says that's not a word  
Get with the times, autocorrect.

Lol gonna go around to all my social media cuz ther ain't no way I'm gon regret thayt. 

I'm gonna get out of the cooking closet and into the frying pan if you knodw what I'm sayin

 

Bitches are now baguettes 

Shut the fuck up its still may the 4th cuz I'm writing this at 11:56 ish 

Thank  
Luv oo  
Buhyhyhy  
Buy buy baby

Thasa store  
nasa peepo


	8. I needddddddd iiiiiiottttt naaaooooowww booooiiiii

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fuckng shit ppl

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> #is a hypocritical fucking slut, 2017 edition

Why isn't there a PLATONIC fan fiction where Dan and Phil get a new roomate that's PLOT TWIST the fuckin reader????

Less PHAN!!!! MORE BROMANCE! I AM A LITERAL WHORE FOIR BROMANCE!!!!

I NEED THE FRIENDSHIT FEELS!!

(#not a typo)

 

DOES NO ONE REMEMBER THE TRADGEDY OF 2012???!!!!?

LEAVE THE POOR CHILDREN ALONE?!!!!!

THEY ARE ONLY IN A RELATIONSHIP IF _THEY_   _SAY SO!!!!_

 

_SHIP WHOEVER YOU WANT, BUT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, LET THEM LIVE THEIR LIVES WITHOUT TOXIC LEVELS OF YOUR PHAN STUFFF!!!!!!_

 

 

~~(Note: I am at least 69% on the PHAN trash truck/bandwagon, but nvm that...)~~

 

 

_**p.s. they may be cute AF as a hypothetical couple, but you still love them the way they are now - a** _ ** not  _couple - don't you?_**

_**Just please don't push something they don't want on them.** _

_**Love youse goiyse!** _

 

 

_** p.p.p.p.s.s.s.s.s.  somebody has to write more platonic stuff with them. I want to be able to have a constant stream of cute BROMANCE even when I'm out of videos to watch ** _

 

**~~THANK~~ **

**Author's Note:**

> See, I told you!
> 
> It was too weird wasn't it!  
> Now you're gonna leave me, and I'm gonna die alone!
> 
> *quietly 'nyooh hoo hoo's like a sad papyrus*


End file.
